Because I Can

I feel like doing something crazy. Something that can get me killed. 50/50 live/die chance...maybe even 25/75 live/die chance.
Something that would make me feel glad that I'm alive and make me feel lucky.
I cant do this anymore.
I really cant.
My home doesn't smell like home anymore, it smells like cigarettes.
My clothes don't smell like me anymore, they smell like cigarettes.
My bed isn't mine anymore, it's my bad grandma's.
My clothes are't mine either. They're all in what used to be my bedroom, which I don't go into anymore why? Because going in there is like walking myself into hell.
My privacy isn't mine anymore. The old lady walks in whenever she feels like it, reguardless if your naked or whatever.
Nothing I own is mine anymore. The floor where I get to sleep even got invaded by a fucking spider, and you know what? That spider is still alive cause the old lady said that they're good luck. fuck her.
I sleep in the same room as my mom and my dad on the floor when the old hag next door has her own queen sized bed...aka my ex-bed why? because nobody, not even her own son is willing to sleep next to her. The room outside is perfectly fine but I'm not allowed to sleep there because its "too cold". I find that completely ridiculous. So instead I sleep on the floor, wake up every morning looking at the dust bunnies under my parents bed with an aching back, and I have nowhere to change. I can't go into my ex-room cause the hag is still sleeping, I can't change in my parent's room cause my dad is there, I can't change in the bathroom cause my mom says so without any reason, and I can't change in the perfectly valid room outside, cause it's too cold.

You know how some people can't focus on anything when someone else is glaring at them? Well I'm that type of person, and having a grandma who does not respect anyone else at all implies having an 83 year old bitch glaring at the back of your head for 10 minute periods at 5 minute intervals. If my parents thought i was slow with homework before, it's at least 7x that now.

I don't want to come home anymore. It's not home anymore. It doesn't feel like home, it doesn't smell like home, it doesn't even look like home. Sure I've never liked coming home in the first place, but it's ridiculous when you have NOWHERE in your own home to stay without being bitched at.

I hate this. I hate this so much. I hate everything that's been going on. Can't the bitch just leave me alone? Why the fuck does she have to mind everyone's business and then bitch about it? Why does my mom have to go and say bad things about me whenever she gets the chance? Why does my dad always call me useless when I'm trying? Why doesn't anyone in my family understand that I have a lot of stuff to do and that I need some sort of escape or life? Why doesn't my dad understand that nobody other than him enjoys spending time with his mom? Why doesn't my mom understand that everybody else in the world has their problems too? Why doesn't the bitch understand that nobody likes her?

I really really really want to just disappear. I want to just vanish and never have to come back. To not have to ever get home cause the streets are a lot more comforting than this one square foot of supposed privacy.

I hate everything thats been going on. I hate it.