Friday, June 19, 2009
Last Day
To save some time in my summer and make it longer, or at least contain more fun, im going to shrink this post down to as small as possible. To here it is, library service ended, summer has officially started, im going to china 1AM Sunday, staying there until 8/21, then im going to hang out wiht sangmi and other friends and then school starts 9/11. Hope i have the most fun and make the best out of everything. =D
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Lonely
Recently, I've been feeling rather lonely.
Maybe it's because Summer's here and I'm not seeing many people that often anymore or maybe because people just hung out with me because of school and me being a classmate. Sangmi's been busy with her graduation stuff and the rest of my friends aren't as close as her. It's been...lonely...really lonely.
I miss having people to talk to all the time. There's nobody who I can decently talk to for a long time online nowadays. There's nobody who seems like they really care. I feel..alone and i hate feeling alone.
One of my biggest fears/insecurities/flaws would be being alone. Being alone just drives me insane. The minute I'm alone everything pessimistic about me starts to come out and it leaves me a wreck. Why's everything going wrong?
I miss 6th grade...I miss my old friends where people didn't come and go.
OR i just miss 6th grade because I was the center of attention all the time. I feel like i don't have anybody to lean to for support anymore and thats a horrible feeling. Call me weak but if that's what this makes me then so be it.
After the summer, Sangmi's gonna be in bayside...So much for a shoulder to lean on.
After the summer, many things would have change and based on past experiences, I hate change.
After the summer, I may not be able to my grandma ever again, and that would kill me from the inside.
After the summer, everything might be different, and then I wouldn't know how to catch up anymore.
I hurt people without meaning to.
I don't explain myself because they dont ask me to.
They leave me slowly cause they think I'm not sorry.
And then I'm all alone, burdened with this worry. (that was an unintentional rhyme...I rhyme when upset..)
(and now since i already started lets make this into a poem >.>)
Slowly being killed by the pain they leave behind
And then when it lasts too long, there'll be none of me left to find
Insecurities break me down piece by piece
Painful stabs into my soul that never seem to cease
Soon enough I fade away and retreat to where I'm safe
So nothing else can hurt me as long as I stay locked away
You'll never know I'm missing since you left me to this pain
And eventually, no memory or proof of me will remain
long time since ive written a venting poem...yay >.>
Maybe it's because Summer's here and I'm not seeing many people that often anymore or maybe because people just hung out with me because of school and me being a classmate. Sangmi's been busy with her graduation stuff and the rest of my friends aren't as close as her. It's been...lonely...really lonely.
I miss having people to talk to all the time. There's nobody who I can decently talk to for a long time online nowadays. There's nobody who seems like they really care. I feel..alone and i hate feeling alone.
One of my biggest fears/insecurities/flaws would be being alone. Being alone just drives me insane. The minute I'm alone everything pessimistic about me starts to come out and it leaves me a wreck. Why's everything going wrong?
I miss 6th grade...I miss my old friends where people didn't come and go.
OR i just miss 6th grade because I was the center of attention all the time. I feel like i don't have anybody to lean to for support anymore and thats a horrible feeling. Call me weak but if that's what this makes me then so be it.
After the summer, Sangmi's gonna be in bayside...So much for a shoulder to lean on.
After the summer, many things would have change and based on past experiences, I hate change.
After the summer, I may not be able to my grandma ever again, and that would kill me from the inside.
After the summer, everything might be different, and then I wouldn't know how to catch up anymore.
I hurt people without meaning to.
I don't explain myself because they dont ask me to.
They leave me slowly cause they think I'm not sorry.
And then I'm all alone, burdened with this worry. (that was an unintentional rhyme...I rhyme when upset..)
(and now since i already started lets make this into a poem >.>)
Slowly being killed by the pain they leave behind
And then when it lasts too long, there'll be none of me left to find
Insecurities break me down piece by piece
Painful stabs into my soul that never seem to cease
Soon enough I fade away and retreat to where I'm safe
So nothing else can hurt me as long as I stay locked away
You'll never know I'm missing since you left me to this pain
And eventually, no memory or proof of me will remain
long time since ive written a venting poem...yay >.>
Friday, June 12, 2009
June 13, 2009 1:21 AM
Yesterday was my grandma's birthday. I forgot to wish her happy birthday...Stupid sleep. I'm obsessed with music as of now.
Many things are happening recently:
1) I'm starting to feel like a normal person...and thats not normal .lol.
2) School is ending on Monday and then its 3 days of library service. No more homework to bother me anymore.
3) I'm going to China on the 22nd in like 1 AM in the morning. Around right now just in like a few days.
4) Confused heart.
5) Sangmi's going to be moving to bayside soon and seeing her will become a completely different ordeal.
6) Everyone's going off to highschool and my old friends will be even harder to reach now. The friends I've left behind in is230 are all moving and away from each other and the thought that the fun times we had in 6th grade are gone is painful.
7) I'm going to sing until i drop dead if I want to and I wont care what anybody else says. I'm not going to be self concious anymore. Who cares what other people think? The way i act, the way i look, the way i chose to be is to impress only Me, Myself, and I.
8) I'm actually withdrawing from my Happiness bank instead of depositing..although Hunter tends to make me do that a lot. I've almost run dry of happiness and I've only been here for 2 years. I won't be suprised if by the time I'm a senior, I'd have become completely emo, unhappy, and silent.
9) Once again, China...I wonder what's going to happen this year in china...MY goal is fun.
Now, time to reflect back on this year:
-So many people grew apart from me and so many people became my friends.
- People change and if they leave me behind during the change, it's perfectly fine with me.
-I've made many mistakes in befriending people and just normal mistakes and although some of them are a bit preposterous (aka giving everyone the impression that I'm harmless, trust me, if you've known me before hunter you would know how hard I hit and how violent I am)...Next year, I would like to start with a new fresh slate.
-This year I've been horrible at managing my time, next year I'm going to work on that a little bit more.
-This year, I haven't stood out much from the crowd. Although fitting in is what general popularity wants, I want to stand out. Be my own unique person that everyone wants to be but can't. Guess I'll have to work harder next year =D
-For next year, I'm planning on reverting back to my is230 self. Not as happy go lucky as I am now and much better grades. If I don't get an A+ by the end of next year, I'll completely ditch my social life for 1 month and work on only my homework. Talk about being a nerd although ditching my social life is kind of impossible (it tends to follow me >.<)
-This year, I've been going through it without much of a goal, next year, my goal is to be as happy as I can be. If caring means that I'll be sad, then I wont care for whatever is bringing me down. I'll ignore the bad and only think of the finer things in life.
-My family as been a royal mess this year and for 9th grade, I'm thinking of forgetting about family. There's only so much of "Nancy" to split into all of my values and Family no longer seems important. Despite them being blood related to me, I find family completely pointless if they only yell at you and hit you and yell at you no matter what you do. If they don't chose to take the time to understand me, then I won't waste my time trying to deal with them. Although I really mean this statement, I highly doubt that I'll be able to ignore my family for I am too family oriented. But I'll try my best! =D
This post is getting really long...I don't think you guys want me to blab on for so much but just saying, I tend to have much more the say the later it gets. I'm totally a night person. Most creative at night, most productive at night, and most driven to work at night. If you ever want to pry secrets out of my attempt staying up until after midnight with me and then if you ask questions, chances are I will talk to you and spill everything I have. .lol.
~~ With love, Nancy
Many things are happening recently:
1) I'm starting to feel like a normal person...and thats not normal .lol.
2) School is ending on Monday and then its 3 days of library service. No more homework to bother me anymore.
3) I'm going to China on the 22nd in like 1 AM in the morning. Around right now just in like a few days.
4) Confused heart.
5) Sangmi's going to be moving to bayside soon and seeing her will become a completely different ordeal.
6) Everyone's going off to highschool and my old friends will be even harder to reach now. The friends I've left behind in is230 are all moving and away from each other and the thought that the fun times we had in 6th grade are gone is painful.
7) I'm going to sing until i drop dead if I want to and I wont care what anybody else says. I'm not going to be self concious anymore. Who cares what other people think? The way i act, the way i look, the way i chose to be is to impress only Me, Myself, and I.
8) I'm actually withdrawing from my Happiness bank instead of depositing..although Hunter tends to make me do that a lot. I've almost run dry of happiness and I've only been here for 2 years. I won't be suprised if by the time I'm a senior, I'd have become completely emo, unhappy, and silent.
9) Once again, China...I wonder what's going to happen this year in china...MY goal is fun.
Now, time to reflect back on this year:
-So many people grew apart from me and so many people became my friends.
- People change and if they leave me behind during the change, it's perfectly fine with me.
-I've made many mistakes in befriending people and just normal mistakes and although some of them are a bit preposterous (aka giving everyone the impression that I'm harmless, trust me, if you've known me before hunter you would know how hard I hit and how violent I am)...Next year, I would like to start with a new fresh slate.
-This year I've been horrible at managing my time, next year I'm going to work on that a little bit more.
-This year, I haven't stood out much from the crowd. Although fitting in is what general popularity wants, I want to stand out. Be my own unique person that everyone wants to be but can't. Guess I'll have to work harder next year =D
-For next year, I'm planning on reverting back to my is230 self. Not as happy go lucky as I am now and much better grades. If I don't get an A+ by the end of next year, I'll completely ditch my social life for 1 month and work on only my homework. Talk about being a nerd although ditching my social life is kind of impossible (it tends to follow me >.<)
-This year, I've been going through it without much of a goal, next year, my goal is to be as happy as I can be. If caring means that I'll be sad, then I wont care for whatever is bringing me down. I'll ignore the bad and only think of the finer things in life.
-My family as been a royal mess this year and for 9th grade, I'm thinking of forgetting about family. There's only so much of "Nancy" to split into all of my values and Family no longer seems important. Despite them being blood related to me, I find family completely pointless if they only yell at you and hit you and yell at you no matter what you do. If they don't chose to take the time to understand me, then I won't waste my time trying to deal with them. Although I really mean this statement, I highly doubt that I'll be able to ignore my family for I am too family oriented. But I'll try my best! =D
This post is getting really long...I don't think you guys want me to blab on for so much but just saying, I tend to have much more the say the later it gets. I'm totally a night person. Most creative at night, most productive at night, and most driven to work at night. If you ever want to pry secrets out of my attempt staying up until after midnight with me and then if you ask questions, chances are I will talk to you and spill everything I have. .lol.
~~ With love, Nancy
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